Trin de Siècle

I have been watching a lot of Asian horror lately. It’s alright, but I think I am missing integral parts of the culture to really appreciate what qualifies as horrific. For example, I don’t get if the pallid children with bruised eyes and hair in their faces are something fundamentally loathsome in Asian culture or if it’s just a popular gimmick riding in on the wave of success made by the little creepy girl in The Ring  (though I lean towards assuming the latter).  Furthermore, I get confused by the ghosts themselves, and that, I believe, stems from a cultural difference. 

I am thinking I will watch The Maid tonight. Perhaps through watching enough movies, I will become enlightened as to the answers to my questions. 

(I have felt blocked in terms of writing anything personal about school/work/relationships. In part I don’t feel as though anything I am doing is important enough to document, all my plans are still formative and, given my fickle nature, prone to change at any moment, also I have felt uninspired. I am meeting with my mentor [at least the professor who I consider my mentor, though he probably doesn't know it] hopefully sometime this week, and perhaps he can help me out with figuring out school/work/things.)

I received a reply from the company I had applied to, and unfortunately they’ve decided to go with another candidate. So, obviously, I didn’t get the job. I am not upset for the sake of missing out on the position, but for the loss of the money (which wasn’t even that much of a salary, but it was at least more than I currently am earning).  I don’t want any of those “oh, there are plenty of jobs” or “you can find something else” consolations. While I would appreciate the sentiment and the faith that would imply others had in me, it’s not as if I don’t know there are other jobs. The problem is, to make the decent money one has to “pay their dues” and put in time. Also, I have found nothing that remotely piques my interest. nothing. 

I have for a long time thought that this would happen – I would graduate and have no direction. I went to college because I loved learning, and I majored in English because I loved the reading, writing, and analytical research, but I never had a career in mind the entire four years. I thought “college professor” only because it would be an excuse to stay in school longer. English interested me, but there’s nothing in the field that I wish to purse. In fact, there are no fields that I wish to pursue. The only career goal I have currently is to make money, which is a pretty shitty goal. Making money does not mean I will be happy, and I know this. However, since I have no idea what will make me happy… 

I am floundering. I have no direction nor ambition. I am quite disappointed and melancholy, but it’s this serene depression. You know why? Let me tell you – I have known this day would come and I accepted it a long time ago. I suppose I am glad I went to college because I enjoyed it and because there were plenty of tasks I completed that made me truly proud of myself, but the only frustrating aspect of this whole ordeal right now is that I am starting to think college was a waste of money. A lot of the positions that require degrees – positions they wont consider hiring a HS graduate with 4 years related experience – require degrees in business/finance/mental health counseling/etc. There is no field open exclusively to those who majored in English, because we are a dime a dozen and my in-depth understanding of The Master and Margarita or my ability to recite the works of Donne won’t make anyone any money. I am richly cultured in literature, and I feel rewarded by it, but my own personal satisfaction isn’t going to pay any bills. 

So I have considered two options for the short-term (maybe long-term), which are:

1) Pay another few hundred dollars to receive some fitness certifications and become a trainer/work at a gym.

2) Go back into cosmetology and actually try doing hair without the distractions and obligations of school hanging over head. 

Either option will give me enough to live off of, and both I am sure would make me happier than being someone’s AA or the office manager to a company I don’t really give two shits (pardon my language) about. 

I don’t know what I want to do, not even a little. The best I can go with is what I do NOT want to do. I don’t WANT to work the mindless office job that will give me the experience to one day become Projects Manager/Publisher/CEO of a corporation. I don’t think I am ready to give up and do that, because that is what I always wanted to avoid. My biggest regret right now  is that either of these options requires no college training, and I feel like I wasted so much money.*

*I regret feeling like I wasted money, but I do not regret the time I spent in school/what I learned/or the friends I made. I am conflicted even in the simple feeling of regret. I fail.. epically.

After having my writing sample reviewed I sent it in yesterday and am now awaiting word on whether or not they want to grant me that illustrious second interview. Though I’ve always been terrified of letting people read any of my fictional work/poetry, I have ball o’ steel (so to speak) when it comes to any sort of educational writing. I’m confident that the piece I sent in is well-written. However, I’m not as sure that I nailed the content. Compressing a 20-something page packet into two pages presents some interesting editorial challenges. Hopefully I kept, and ignored, the right pieces of information.

Meanwhile, I have picked out my next frivolous novel for the summer — Interview With a Vampire. I really enjoyed Rice’s erotic collection, as well as Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt and have decided to sample her vampire collection. The only problem I’m having thus far is getting the movie out of my head as I read.

My goals for summer reading seem to have been very lofty. I’m just not getting much accomplished. 

I revised the list since my last blog. It’s nothing major, I merely added a book that I happened to pick up while at the Indianapolis airport. I seem to have found my excuse to push back my reading of Naked Lunch by reading Rant instead. 

So without further ado, the updated reading list:

• 1984 by George Orwell
• Rant by Chuck Palahniuk (currently reading)
• Naked Lunch by William Burroughs 
• Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
• The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien
• Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
• Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
• Middlemarch by George Eliot
• Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
• Dracula by Bram Stoker
• Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie

Fin de siècle is French for “end of the century.” Now, let’s replace that fin with Trin and suddenly we have Trin de siècle, a bastardized French(ish) phrase (roughly) meaning: Trinity of the century. 

I am a clever one, aren’t I?