Trin de Siècle

I have spent the last two years in contemplation. I have contemplated the different approaches to success; how I can ensure monetary reward, while demonstrating and awing with my intellectual prowess. I graduated college with academic merits and high praise from my professors. I believed I had something to prove, though not to myself. I have always been comfortable with myself; I have a good deal of self-confidence. However, I had become fixated on proving myself to everyone else.

I did a stint in graduate school for Victorian Studies, which really is at the pinnacle of academic snobbery, but left the course when I realized I could never amass a comfortable wealth as a professional scholar (along with reasons regarding the institution itself). I have since looked into: Public Relations, Speech Pathology, and Law. I spent a great deal of time plotting out my course to future success, while actively taking no actions. In hindsight, I have whittled away these last two years wallowing in my vanity and I now find myself waist-deep in mediocrity.

Even though I am ‘all grown up’ I still don’t know what I plan on doing, and I think that is the source of my greatest sense of failure – I essentially wasted two years scheming, only to produce nothing of substance (though I have imagined a great many wonderful scenarios in which I am, by chance, ushered into the fabulous world of financial security, ever-lasting happiness, and an overall glamorous life). My frustration has permeated into every facet of my daily living, and those things which should make me happy have begun to lose their luster.

I see now that I have allowed this sense of failure and these doubts to rule for too long. I refuse to sink into some torpor of depression because I once again have chosen introspection over action. I am committing myself to change; I wish to leave the exhibitionistic concern over how others perceive me behind, to focus instead on regaining some semblance of satisfaction and control in my life.