“These are pathways to self-sufficiency.” Linda Mellowes
School has been out for about a year now; and for about a year now I have been in search of something meaningful to occupy myself with.
I have undergone a few tasks with the goal of self-betterment in mind, though as a whole I like myself and haven’t really felt the need to push myself in that respect. I have considered taking up a few different hobbies, but before I can dedicate myself to them I fid something new, something that seems better, and I am quick to abandon one new task for another. From this I have come to a self realization, which I have decided I need to address – I am unable to commit to one goal, for fear of missing out on something greater.
Honestly, this fear has permeated every facet of my life. It has effected my relationships, my education, and my work. To exemplify this madness: in the month since quitting the Aveda salon (where I worked for three years, off and on) I have agreed to work at three different jobs. I have worked at two, while one sits on the back burner in case this second one doesn’t ‘pan out.’ I worry that as I accept each job I am missing out on something better, so even though I am hired and have committed myself to something I continue to hunt on for something better. Likewise, this fear is why I have not been able to commit to a field of study for graduate school (that and my fear of not being compensated for my education, which if I go into the field to which I am truly drawn fiscal anorexia to will be my inevitable future).
Deep down I know that whatever I do, I should do for happiness; sadly, I don’t know what creates my happiness. Conventional life restricts it, I know that. Yet, how does one survive (and prosper financially) in an unconventional way (in a manner that does not rely on public approval/sycophancy)? If I could get past money things would be easier, but honestly I want the money to travel and to be comfortable (not rich, I don’t need to be rich) as travel and comfort do contribute to my happiness.
The idea of leaving the city has begun to appeal to me. As does the thought of becoming more self-sufficient. I have a few friends who have fed my interest in the idea of self-sufficiency, and thankfully I have a friend living nearby whose conversations inspire me as well – I feel living a self-suffienct, environmentally conscious life would be more rewarding than the life I currently lead. While I don’t mean running off to join a commune, as I tend to dislike constant social stimulation, I feel that I could do more for myself.
For now I have cleaning to do, and mayhap some more internet reading, and a lot more thinking. I have been catching up on an interest blog I stumbled across recently Twwly.com. While this is an example of living to an extreme that is not for me (certainly not right now), it’s inspiring nonetheless.
