Trin de Siècle

I received a reply from the company I had applied to, and unfortunately they’ve decided to go with another candidate. So, obviously, I didn’t get the job. I am not upset for the sake of missing out on the position, but for the loss of the money (which wasn’t even that much of a salary, but it was at least more than I currently am earning).  I don’t want any of those “oh, there are plenty of jobs” or “you can find something else” consolations. While I would appreciate the sentiment and the faith that would imply others had in me, it’s not as if I don’t know there are other jobs. The problem is, to make the decent money one has to “pay their dues” and put in time. Also, I have found nothing that remotely piques my interest. nothing. 

I have for a long time thought that this would happen – I would graduate and have no direction. I went to college because I loved learning, and I majored in English because I loved the reading, writing, and analytical research, but I never had a career in mind the entire four years. I thought “college professor” only because it would be an excuse to stay in school longer. English interested me, but there’s nothing in the field that I wish to purse. In fact, there are no fields that I wish to pursue. The only career goal I have currently is to make money, which is a pretty shitty goal. Making money does not mean I will be happy, and I know this. However, since I have no idea what will make me happy… 

I am floundering. I have no direction nor ambition. I am quite disappointed and melancholy, but it’s this serene depression. You know why? Let me tell you – I have known this day would come and I accepted it a long time ago. I suppose I am glad I went to college because I enjoyed it and because there were plenty of tasks I completed that made me truly proud of myself, but the only frustrating aspect of this whole ordeal right now is that I am starting to think college was a waste of money. A lot of the positions that require degrees – positions they wont consider hiring a HS graduate with 4 years related experience – require degrees in business/finance/mental health counseling/etc. There is no field open exclusively to those who majored in English, because we are a dime a dozen and my in-depth understanding of The Master and Margarita or my ability to recite the works of Donne won’t make anyone any money. I am richly cultured in literature, and I feel rewarded by it, but my own personal satisfaction isn’t going to pay any bills. 

So I have considered two options for the short-term (maybe long-term), which are:

1) Pay another few hundred dollars to receive some fitness certifications and become a trainer/work at a gym.

2) Go back into cosmetology and actually try doing hair without the distractions and obligations of school hanging over head. 

Either option will give me enough to live off of, and both I am sure would make me happier than being someone’s AA or the office manager to a company I don’t really give two shits (pardon my language) about. 

I don’t know what I want to do, not even a little. The best I can go with is what I do NOT want to do. I don’t WANT to work the mindless office job that will give me the experience to one day become Projects Manager/Publisher/CEO of a corporation. I don’t think I am ready to give up and do that, because that is what I always wanted to avoid. My biggest regret right now  is that either of these options requires no college training, and I feel like I wasted so much money.*

*I regret feeling like I wasted money, but I do not regret the time I spent in school/what I learned/or the friends I made. I am conflicted even in the simple feeling of regret. I fail.. epically.