Invigilate the future. Effectuate happiness.
I have spent the last two years in contemplation. I have contemplated the different approaches to success; how I can ensure monetary reward, while demonstrating and awing with my intellectual prowess. I graduated college with academic merits and high praise from my professors. I believed I had something to prove, though not to myself. I have always been comfortable with myself; I have a good deal of self-confidence. However, I had become fixated on proving myself to everyone else.
I did a stint in graduate school for Victorian Studies, which really is at the pinnacle of academic snobbery, but left the course when I realized I could never amass a comfortable wealth as a professional scholar (along with reasons regarding the institution itself). I have since looked into: Public Relations, Speech Pathology, and Law. I spent a great deal of time plotting out my course to future success, while actively taking no actions. In hindsight, I have whittled away these last two years wallowing in my vanity and I now find myself waist-deep in mediocrity.
Even though I am ‘all grown up’ I still don’t know what I plan on doing, and I think that is the source of my greatest sense of failure – I essentially wasted two years scheming, only to produce nothing of substance (though I have imagined a great many wonderful scenarios in which I am, by chance, ushered into the fabulous world of financial security, ever-lasting happiness, and an overall glamorous life). My frustration has permeated into every facet of my daily living, and those things which should make me happy have begun to lose their luster.
I see now that I have allowed this sense of failure and these doubts to rule for too long. I refuse to sink into some torpor of depression because I once again have chosen introspection over action. I am committing myself to change; I wish to leave the exhibitionistic concern over how others perceive me behind, to focus instead on regaining some semblance of satisfaction and control in my life.
“These are pathways to self-sufficiency.” Linda Mellowes
School has been out for about a year now; and for about a year now I have been in search of something meaningful to occupy myself with.
I have undergone a few tasks with the goal of self-betterment in mind, though as a whole I like myself and haven’t really felt the need to push myself in that respect. I have considered taking up a few different hobbies, but before I can dedicate myself to them I fid something new, something that seems better, and I am quick to abandon one new task for another. From this I have come to a self realization, which I have decided I need to address – I am unable to commit to one goal, for fear of missing out on something greater.
Honestly, this fear has permeated every facet of my life. It has effected my relationships, my education, and my work. To exemplify this madness: in the month since quitting the Aveda salon (where I worked for three years, off and on) I have agreed to work at three different jobs. I have worked at two, while one sits on the back burner in case this second one doesn’t ‘pan out.’ I worry that as I accept each job I am missing out on something better, so even though I am hired and have committed myself to something I continue to hunt on for something better. Likewise, this fear is why I have not been able to commit to a field of study for graduate school (that and my fear of not being compensated for my education, which if I go into the field to which I am truly drawn fiscal anorexia to will be my inevitable future).
Deep down I know that whatever I do, I should do for happiness; sadly, I don’t know what creates my happiness. Conventional life restricts it, I know that. Yet, how does one survive (and prosper financially) in an unconventional way (in a manner that does not rely on public approval/sycophancy)? If I could get past money things would be easier, but honestly I want the money to travel and to be comfortable (not rich, I don’t need to be rich) as travel and comfort do contribute to my happiness.
The idea of leaving the city has begun to appeal to me. As does the thought of becoming more self-sufficient. I have a few friends who have fed my interest in the idea of self-sufficiency, and thankfully I have a friend living nearby whose conversations inspire me as well – I feel living a self-suffienct, environmentally conscious life would be more rewarding than the life I currently lead. While I don’t mean running off to join a commune, as I tend to dislike constant social stimulation, I feel that I could do more for myself.
For now I have cleaning to do, and mayhap some more internet reading, and a lot more thinking. I have been catching up on an interest blog I stumbled across recently Twwly.com. While this is an example of living to an extreme that is not for me (certainly not right now), it’s inspiring nonetheless.
“Make your life a mission – not an intermission.” – Arnold Glasgow
Within two days I have decided to try and restructure my life – altering plans that will, inevitably and obviously, alter my future.
Sunday I gave my two weeks notice to the management at the Aveda salon I have worked out for almost three years (it would have been three years comes May). There were a lot of factors going into this decision, and ultimately I believe the change of environment will be refreshing for both my spirit and my wallet. The past few months at my old salon have been emotionally draining, and while I have never loved doing hair, I have come to outright dread dealing with the people and all aspects of salon life. With the exception of a few coworkers, I don’t feel close to anyone I work with. Realistically this is probably more from me pulling away than through any fault of theirs, but the fact remains that work has become a place I loathe to be. I feel like it is better to leave now and still be able to retain fond memories and a few good feelings, than to stay and allow the place to turn me into another bitter and jaded employee.
I have also been in contact (I use the term ‘contact’ loosely, as Boston College seems to have problems returning calls/emails) with the continuing education program at B.C, and I have decided to transfer my payment and application from the LSAT prep course to the GRE prep course. I have been thinking continuously about law school and careers for the past couple of months, and I honestly cannot fathom myself enjoying such a career. I am sure there are aspects that I will enjoy, but overall the only factor that really pushed me into considering it was financially based. As such, I am returning to my original plans of college professorship. I am going to go to school for Literature – most likely Victorian Studies – to research, read, and write for my daily bread. I miss academia, and being out of it for the last year has made me realize that even my unhappiest moment at school was not really that much of a low. Should the world up and end come 2012, I’d like to know I was living my life for me and my happiness.
Finally , I am making the push into a more healthy life style. I finished off my soda, and for the last two days have been good about honoring my one-carbonated-beverage-a-day limit. In lieu of soda I have begun drinking drinking water, and while I find it boring I am hoping to see a financial difference at least. Also, I am going to get a little more serious about exercise. Lately I have been feeling rather down about myself and suffering a good deal with stomach issues. I think getting a little more regimented with the exercise would be a good solution to these problems. I spoke to one of my friends who is ‘in the know’ as far as diet and exercise goes, and he recommended making sure I am getting in 150 minutes of exercise a week. Lately I have been averaging about 90, so I think this would be a good start. I am also going to bring the rest of my Valentine’s Day candy into work and try and pawn it off on some off my coworkers. Between my sedimentary lifestyle and high consumption of chocolates over the last month, it is no wonder I’ve put on a little weight.
While I am sure these changes will turn out to be the right choices in the long run, I am also hoping they provide a fix to my winter malaise. As said, the last month has not been pleasant, and I fear an unfortunate side effect has been taking it out on poor Matthew, who does nothing but humor me when I get this way. Guilt, however, compounds my moodiness.. it’s all a vicious cycle which I need to break.
Update 2.0
I finally committed to a date and have registered for test prep courses for the LSAT. This, of course, makes everything a little more real, and makes me feel a little more committed to a future goal. Which is, inevitably, why I enrolled in a prep course. I don’t believe you can learn analytical reasoning (or other such skills required for the LSAT) in a matter of weeks, thus my goal in enrolling is not so much to learn a new set of skills but to ease my mind. I get terribly anxious about any sort of commitment, and law school is a pretty big commitment indeed. I need to establish a connection to the subject and to the material before I plunge in, otherwise I get evasive and have a tendency to put everything off and avoid what I need to do. My hope id that by spending the $600 to “learn” things I already know, I won’t have a panic attack the day of the test and find myself unable to sort through my head. I also learned that the actual LSAT is held at BC, so I can become familiar with the area and not get lost the day of the test (another big thing for me is getting lost. I am the master, but mainly because I wander off inside my head and forget to pay attention to where I am going).*
I’ve also cleared these plans with my managers at the salon, who have all been very supportive. As far as the hair business goes, I’ve felt supported by everyone important through my whole training process. While there has been drama and annoyances, I’m feel like the right people have my back. I also feel like I’m going to be getting where I want to, when I want to.
Right now things are going in a good direction. I feel like I have everyone’s support when it comes to my work and my future schooling.
I have decided to stick out doing hair for the interim; though, my plans of eventually becoming a licensed paralegal (LSAT, law school, etc.) remain intact. I spoke with one of my supervisors this past Tuesday – who told me he was pissed at me for switching departments – about my financial worries and my frustration with having no end in sight for the assistant program. He assured me that I wasn’t going to be in the program much longer, that they had plans to get me onto the floor soon, and that I just needed to bring in models to showcase my abilities. The nice thing about doing hair is that it is much like riding a bike, which is to say you may get rusty but you never really forget how to do anything. So I have models set up/am setting models up, and hoping to be on the floor by Christmas.
Since the program I am interested in is roughly $4000, this will allow me to save a decent amount of money. I can pay off student loans and pay BU for the program ..and not be broke. My salon owner told me when I first considered leaving the department that her junior stylists make more than her front desk staff, and one of the assistant managers told me she only makes about $13 an hour. Also, setting finances aside, since I’ve been doing more and more hair I’ve been getting more into it.
On the downside, the salon ‘drama’ has started. I suppose it’s nice that we made it the first three weeks without any conflict. However, said conflict isn’t bad (for a salon), and hopefully it wont escalate. I’ve already been called out about being in it ‘for myself’ and I don’t appreciate it, but can understand there is some truth to the statement. Sadly, that’s business. If your actions affect my business (ie: my ability to earn money), then we are going to ave a problem. I don’t go to work to make friends; friends are just a happy bonus to spending 40 hours of my week around the same people. I don’t intentionally screw people over, I don’t lie, nor do I exaggerate their behaviors or idiosyncrasies. If you do your job we don’t have a problem, simple enough. It’s all business…
…now, I just need a creative outlet for my writing until the next stage of my master plan can commence!
I’ve come to accept the fact that I really dislike doing hair.
Now, this realization came to me a couple years ago – when I stopped working as an assist on the hair team at work – but I obviously didn’t fully accept it as I have since gone back to assisting. My attraction to cosmetology stems mostly from my enjoyment of the industry; I love the people and I love the whole fashion-focused field. I keep going back to doing hair because it is generally the most financially lucrative field in the industry, short of owning one’s own business. However, I can’t stand doing it anymore. Always I get fed up with it and just want to wash my hands of the whole experience. Overall I find the work tedious, it lacks any sort of the mental stimulation that I crave, and I <i>cannot</i> see myself doing it in the next five years.
I’ve considered some advice I had gotten a while back, and since researched, and I am fairly settled in my decision to go and get a licensed as a paralegal. From there I can, if I want, continue my education and go into law.
My very first educational track in college was Poli-Sci, which I figured I could use to either go into law or politics.
So, from here I am going to move onto the staff at the front desk so that I can earn more cash and have a set of skills that I can add to my resume. I also plan to enroll in the paralegal program, which starts in January, and from there.. we’ll see..
Oh Science, Where Art Thou?
LatelyI have been thinking of enrolling in some online science courses and completing a second BS in either veterinary sciences or in a pre-med course. Currently I have narrowed my interests down to veterinary sciences or going on to become a chiropractor.
I have been interested in both occupations, but allowed myself to be talked out of them. In the case of vet school I have no one to blame but myself. I became daunted by the difficulty of admittance into the graduate program, and rather than failing I chose the easy way out and elected to pursue a degree that I knew I would not struggle with.
As for chiropractic medicine, someone (who I don’t even respect that much as a figure of any sort of authority or intelligence) made a snide remark about how chiropractors weren’t ‘real’ doctors. Considering they attend graduate school for four years and receive a PhD at the end of their studies, I would say the were, in fact, a ‘real’ doctor. I don’t know why I listen to some people…
This new interest in the sciences isn’t due to a waning passion for literature or writing; I do love reading and writing. However, literary analysis and writing came so naturally to me that I never tried anything different. What I have taken in science I have done well at, but I’ve still been weary of it for fear of not being the best. I scored all A’s in math in college, but if you ask me I will tell you I am terrible at it. I think I would like to try something that will be a challenge for me.
To Do: Pick – vet. sciences or pre-med. Discover what science courses I will need to complete B.S.
Further contemplations over the future…though with remarkably less stress than before.
I have reached the point of no return – Fall semester has begun and I opted not to enroll in classes. Even though I merited a free ride, the academic stimuli at Lesley (in my field) is so lacking that I cannot stomach going back. The students are all bleeding hippies, and deep down, despite all my global awareness and animal-love, I abhor hippies and their sharing of feelings and big mouths. Victorian studies has no room for the dissection of my personal feelings, nor would I be inclined to share them with a room of pratty graduate students even if it did include personal analysis.
However, as my back-and-forth with my old professor (and mentor) picks up, and our discussions inevitably turn to post colonialism or Thompson versus Paine, I really do miss the relentless studying and writing. I feel stagnant right now, and though I have a lot going on with the opening of the new salon and the new training involved, it’s not really what I picture myself doing long-term. Which I makes me even more thankful that I have remained at Lesley as a part-time English tutor and have taken the job with my old professor has his research assistant.
Tomorrow I really need to call Kaplan and discuss when I can enroll in the GRE prep courses. Though I rarely end up performing poorly on tests I get such terrible anxiety I often make myself terribly sick. In a hope to avoid any unnecessary trips to the doctor’s office or the hospital (and they are unnecessary because they never have any answers) I am going to make myself feel good about the GREs before I take them. Maybe I will even look forward to taking them. So first step: sign up for Kaplan courses.
Second, I need to get in touch with the violin instructor and talk about taking weekly lessons now that I have my set schedule.
Third, I need to enroll in a gym. I find my physical exertion and mental wellness are often directly linked positively. Thus, the more I work out the better I feel. Also, the less often I am struck down with any of the ailments I suffer from. This makes both Matt and I happy, because I am not lying on the couch complaining that I am dying.
Finally – I need to determine what I want to do for graduate school. I have considered the following options:
MFA in Creative Writing
PhD in Victorian/Fin de Siecle Studies
MA in Journalism and Publishing
returning to school to receive a BS in Animal Health (ie: become a vet tech)
There is also the option of remaining in the beauty industry and eventually trying to get into a corporate job with Aveda – most likely in their global PR department. That wouldn’t require any more schooling, but I would be traveling around the world.
Decisions, decisions…
Proteus and me.
I have been going back and forth at work on my decision to become a hair assistant versus my decision to stay in the nail area. Honestly, I hate doing nails. It’s not as boring as working in the library was, because there is the whole social element that keeps me going. Still, I hate squinting at people’s dirty hands and feet trying to decide if the nail is actually crooked or if I have another anal, neurotic asshole in my chair (usually it’s the latter; I’m pretty much da’ bomb at filing some nails [rocket science, right?]). However, the pay I would be making as a nail tech is substantially higher than that I would be making as a a hair assistant. Long term is a different story, but the problem is I don’t know what I want to do long-term. Unquestionably I’d like to go back to school. Though, what I want to study isn’t exactly a marketable field and it may behoove me to have a marketable skill in leu of it.
I continually search craigslist, and I don’t see a high demand for English majors. I don’t foresee a sudden change in that demand should I pop out of school with a MA or PhD (actually, the demand is more likely to decrease). I could teach, but then I’d most likely be adjunct and may still need another source of income.
I wish I had been more interested in Science or Business. There is a great deal of demand/scholarships/grants/jobs for people with degrees in those fields. Meanwhile, the jobs I find requesting people with an English (or related) degree have been administrative work – good proofreading skills, ability to type, highly organized, etc. I don’t want to be a secretary, even if I could one day rise in the ranks of a business to become sort sort of director. Office work doesn’t exactly frost my cupcakes.
I have been going back and forth at work, and they have been accommodating and kind, and have yet to gotten visibly annoyed with my alternating whims. However, this will change and I need to make a decision. It is the hardest thing in the world for me to try and think ‘long-term’ or see myself situated in a permanent situation in the future. I am protean; I cannot be limited or I become depressed. But I need to make a decision now.. I need to figure out the next year, and it needs to benefit my plans for the following year.
This is why my stomach has been so messed up, it knew about this subconscious stress long before it caught up with my mind.
